Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
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A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pickled cat.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
🙁
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.