I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A classic…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
This made me smile…
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle