*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen