Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
there has never been a better use of this meme
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.