Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Customize Your Wedding.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.