What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.