The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
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[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
no refunds
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.