Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
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Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
This is always good for a laugh.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.