Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You Might Also Like
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
dogs can find happiness so easily
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Your secret is safeish with me
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general