[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
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[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous