My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
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A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]