[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Breaking news:
Meowchelangelo
This makes total sense…
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Lol.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!