When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Sharon, call the vet
rise and shine we got egg
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”