the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.