The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
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I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
The Punning Dead.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.