Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
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[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
From my Mom
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
“I wouldn’t.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.