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4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet