[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
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After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Anyone really
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?