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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?