Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
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Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
honestly, i need both:
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.