Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
You Might Also Like
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.