reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
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me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
you have three unread messages
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”