I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
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I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.