Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
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My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket