Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
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Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME