Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
You Might Also Like
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
This made me chuckle.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.