why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I want to meet the individual who made this
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.