Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.