I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
j o i m p
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”