Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought