Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.