okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Any refunds available?…
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.