Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Happy thanksgiving
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.