Is….Is this an option?
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I can also cook 😂
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me: