That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
You Might Also Like
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Covid like
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Watermelon Boss!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.