After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You Might Also Like
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
This is a bad sign
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef