ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
me adding lol on a serious message
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
#gardening
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume