I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.