MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent