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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Xylophonist Shredding It
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)