It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
What an awful time to have common sense.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*