worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Sunday
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word