“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles