I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today