Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
…u ok Nintendo?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO