Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
same energy
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.