I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope