If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When ur friends with white people
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.