You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
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The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
selena gomez
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.