If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol